The Many Shades of Motherhood

In the quiet of our messy room,I sit in silence looking at my boys sleeping soundly.I put "Journey On" as my repeat playlist.Finally found time to wrap up my overlapping thoughts,breath and write down all the whirlwind of emotions I've been through the past months.Its my own tiny but sure way of making the day go easier..my last day on maternity leave and will be grinding doubletime.

*deep sigh*


Giving birth is a magical terrifying bizarre experience.As for me,it is the scariest yet the best day of  my life..Looking back,this picture right here is our first family picture taken by a nurse in the recovery room.Raw,unfiltered and full of mixed emotions.
It is far from my uploaded family picture in facebook or instagram. Im swollen like Baymax (except that Im the dark kind of baymax),transfusion line on my rash-covered arm,apparently at my weakest and really exhausted..while my baby calmly rested on my chest as I feel  his tiny heart fluttering against mine.Not to miss of course that smile of relief from Mark.Hours before this,I was put under the knife for an emergency c-section after having been induced for 4 days and labored for 13hours.I thought I was safe and woke up in the recovery room already.Little did I know,I was bleeding profusely and last thing I can remember is a blur where doctors and nurses figuring out what gone wrong.What matters most afterall is Im alive  with a healthy baby and  a little family.These are the kind of moments we live for.Perhaps,that's why I keep this journal to be a
lttle pocket of memoir to read when Mark and I are both 85 years old and share a story or two on a Friday night.

Thank you Papa God, it may not sound as an easy delivery  but you taught us something special..that life is precious.And there's no better way to live it other than being the best parents to Your little Mateo Chase.

And to our Hazard family,know that we cant survive this phase without all your help.We might not return it the way you did,but God for sure will give it back to you a million fold.

As  my baby was born,I feel like I was reborn as a mother too.Hello,second life!

The first thing I said when I gained consciousness is"Is my baby okay?"

We go through the most excruciating pain of our lives and then ask if  our baby is okay.I think it perfectly sums up a mother's unconditional love.A love so selfless!But  I would be lying if I didn't admit that it is difficult.Super.The first few weeks are tough.Every night is a guessing game--were like mad scientists swaddling in the dark,trying this and trying that just to stop him crying and put him back to sleep.I cried a few times out of frustration,exhaustion and feeling of inadequacy.I get worried on the littlest of  things like hiccups or his skin drying up due to the cold weather.

Even if there are days that I doubt myself as a good mother..can i use the hashtag #blessed to experience this kind of love?Love I never felt before,love that I am capable of giving.

I found this quote from Instagram beautifully-written and strikes my mom-heart.The feels!

"Motherhood goes like this:

You want it to speed up and slow down in the  same day.You want them to be grown ups and babies at the same time.You miss the moments as you're living them.The things that drive you insane are the things you'll miss the most.You want a break but miss them on the break.You want to cry because you're so broken,but you also want to happy cry because you're so whole.You lose yourself and find yourself almost everyday.You have no idea what you are doing,but know you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing...its just the way it is.So,cheers to all the moms in all the phases,with all the feelings.You're not alone."

-@catndnat

Still trying to learn the lessons of this season that he won't be a baby forever and this wont last forever.As for my part,I dont know if Im doing this motherhood thing right.How sometimes break you in a beautiful way.It softens you.It makes you vulnerable.That it sometimes bite you in the ass but always,in its entirety,is the many shades of motherhood.

Cheers,to all the exhausted yet beautiful moms!
If you read this,give your mom a hug.

Sending the tightest hugs to my mom.Now,I get it.

I love you!